SHOPLIFTERS & SIGNWRITERS

folks5 (2)

‘The Face of Summer’s Shadow’ photo by Zoolon

No idea who painted the graffiti

A while back, I’d gone into a Poundland store for a carton of milk. Not thinking, I asked the girl at the till how much she wanted for it. She sighed, looked at me like I was an idiot, raised her eyes, shook her head, then lifted up a carrier bag with ‘Poundland’ written on it, ran her finger over the bit that read ‘Pound’, curled a bit of her hair around the same finger, then sighed one last time before saying, “A pound”.  She didn’t add ‘twat’ but I sensed she would have if she could have. I never went back to that branch in case I was the talk of the staff. Embarrassing.

However, just this week I’d forgotten to re-order padded envelopes. In a panic I rushed out to Poundland – not the same one as the incident with the milk carton. I got my envelopes then noticed the sign, ‘All Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted’. So confusing. It was the ‘ALL’ that threw me.  The thought hit me that maybe in other stores the policy is that only ‘SOME’ shoplifters get nicked – a bit like shoplifting prosecutions work on a relaxed basis. I decided to research this some more then realized I was drifting toward ‘sado’ territory and gave up.

SHOP1

I guess it could be worse. I found this sign below on a Google images search. Maybe it’s for the best that dyslexics don’t take up shoplifting or signwriting.

SHOP2

I was asked to describe myself recently – in a good way as opposed to the usual ‘waste of space’ way. I’d never been asked that before. After a decent think and not wanting to gloss over my faults – loads – I came up with the opening verse to a song, ‘Ants’ I wrote when I was 16. I think these words still cover me. Part of the lyric went like this;

I’m blind to all that’s going on around me

Blind to all the secrets others share

Blind to all the politics of people

To me most things get lost into thin air

Also I would add the words of, – forced on me on most occasions as a kid sat in the back of my parent’s car, playing on a loop – Joni Mitchell’s line, ‘Give me spots on apples but leave me the birds and the bees’.

That just about sums me up. Maybe it would do me no favours on my CV.

Now for some music. My song ‘Hooked’ from the ‘Rainbows End’ album;

Below, my two albums for sale on Bandcamp;

Lastly, a brilliant new number from the weird – also in a good way – Aurora called ‘Queendom’. Here’s the official video. Enjoy.

Apart from Aurora’s song – Copyright © 2016/17 Zoolon Audio.  All rights reserved.  Unauthorized copying, reproduction, hiring, lending, public performance and broadcasting prohibited.

 

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21 Comments

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  1. You made me laugh. I also take note of signs, especially those that seem to contradict themselves, or the ones that don’t seem necessary.

    Joni Mitchell is on my life playlist as well

    1. I like pointless signs when they make the world feel surreal, but I’m not too keen on threatening ones. There’s one near here that says ‘turn right’ when to the left all there is is a brick wall. My favourite at the moment is the road sign pointing to two nearby towns, they are called ‘Ham’ and the other place is called ‘Sandwich’ – neat.

  2. JGC, ‘The Face of Summer’s Shadow’ is a stunning photo, it reminds me of an image coming though the white noise. The second sign is great, commit a crime, and the penalty for that is another crime. A terrific verse, some faults are assets in the long run. Always wonderful music! Have a WW. ~ PM

    1. Thanks, PM. I got that image over the weekend. It was in a dark corner of the harbour area. Someone had just painted it on the wall. I think it was just luck I spotted it. I need to go back on a cloudy day as I’m seeing it as an album cover when there’s less reflection from the sun. Have a great day. JGC

  3. That’s a great self-description. Thanks for yet another funny tale of misadventures! I’m back in the UK now, and shopping here is much more exciting than in Canada. It can turn into a saga of being told off by store clerks.

    1. You have to be qualified in the art of misery to work in a UK shop. Don’t forget – if you go into a branch of Poundland, everything is £1. You don’t want to end up being a idiot like I did.

        1. Be afraid, be very afraid. The ladies of Poundland are formidable, although they do collect boxes for me for my eBay sideline.

  4. Some beautiful composition of that photo! Any more contrast and you would have lost the shadow completely.

    Poundland must be the English equivalent to our Dollar Tree, where “everything’s a dollar,” unlike Dollar General, where things can be all sorts of dollars while also cheap…and half dollars…why couldn’t they just stick to whole dollar amounts?

    ANYway, I feel like your autobiographical lyric needs a guitar. Solo, acoustic. Sometimes pieces of us that can only be shared in the quiet ways. x

    1. The truly embarrassing thing is that every single item in Poundland is exactly £1 and the till girl wasn’t going to let me off lightly. The bit of graffiti in the photo I’m going to take again with a hint from the Sun that slightly messed up this version. I’m thinking, dead right it could be the next album cover for my new stuff. The words are from an old song from 3 years back – https://www.reverbnation.com/zoolon/song/29273342-pain – pretty much performed as you suggested.

  5. Ah Poundland… I bet they don’t actually prosecute all shoplifters… maybe just a I ticking off and a store ban…maybe. Prostituting any shoplifters certainly sounds a bit drastic… thanks for the laugh.

  6. What a delightful time spent in your web: I shall swipe the above and hope it infects others. Thanks, good sir. I might ever have thought Poundland was for dogs or left-handed …well, you can guess. The second shoplifter sigh clearly escaped me – proving again “We See What We Expect” regardless of what is there. I rather like mine own invent: Shoplifters not shot will be Persecuted!

    1. Thanks again. Shoplifters getting shot is an interesting concept. My father tells me that in the family tree going back a couple of hundred years the was an 18 year old male who got sentenced to hang for nicking a watch in Marylebone, London. He thinks the bloke did get hung in the end but was sent off to the convict’s colony in Australia. A neat bit of persecution!

      1. Our family woe: an alleged hangee for horse thievery in Florida after our War Between The States, which by no means was Civil (I shall delay the treatise herein as I have posted elsewhere) to which he had wandered from his Minnesota home – the progeny of Scot-Irish ships’ captains – are not all such ancestors kings, queens, captains and none so mean as below that rank? – whose shame never visited our family’s English name. But, then, my Dad invented inveterate misstatement: he once told me he was party to The Galloping Ghost Off The Wahoo Coast, battled pirates across the flight deck of The U.S.S. Hornet (CV-8) during a mid-Pacific typhoon as his ship carried Jimmy Doolittle’s Army Air Corps’ B-25 bombers to attack Tokyo at the early juncture of WW II. Pure Hokum: except for the parts that weren’t. I prefer my method of duggery with skull: uncaught and thus only self-appointed regret and punishment.

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